So how do I work this? As this is a public blog I suppose I'm going to make a stab at general anonymity for starters. Everything all vague and non-specific. Like - what do I do for a living? I work in a community Arts organisation. Which one? Not telling! People I mention will be identified by initials. Any good stories will be exaggerated and fictionalised for effect - just like they are in real life! (So much for coming from a place of truth, eh?) Obviously I'm not stupid enough to think that will stand up to even the most cursory attempt to uncover my identity. However I don't forsee my inane witterings here grabbing the kind of attention that leads to outings and stalkings and the like. Or actual readers even. But then that's not the point.
I like to write. Always have. I'd like to get some discipline at it though. I only seem to write when I'm miserable and then I can never bear to look at what I've written ever again as it just reminds me of my utter misery at the time. If I can train myself here to eventually write a minimum of 1000 words a day when I'm uninspired (uninspired = content) - even if they're total inane shit like this for the first year or two, I'll be stood in good stead for doing something creative when I'm ready for it. I've tried a few times and have bits of half finished nonsense cluttering hard drives and email accounts. But someday I'm going to get sick of my own procrastination and just write an actual novel. Someday.
Blog - I suppose you are now my diary. My 'morning pages'! I kept numerous attempts at diaries when I was younger. They all fell by the wayside eventually. Let's see if I'm any more successful at keeping this going. I might be. I'm getting better at sticking with things as I get older. I finally managed to quit cigarettes this year. December 10th 2013 since I smoked my last (sober) cigarette. (Drunk ones don't count because I don't drink that often anymore). I've been taking regular aerobic exercise since January and have stuck at that. It's not wildly impressive given I run a 15 minute mile and have never run for longer than 20 minutes without needing to stop and walk a bit. But we've all got to start somewhere!
What to write about though? Just write, the man says. What did I do today? Today I got up at 7.45 and went for a 30 minute run with my dogs. When I say 'run' you can assume a slow jog interspersed with walk breaks. Though I did okay today - 20 minutes straight without any walking. I then had a Skype call with my 'mentor' in England. I love that I have a mentor. She's wonderful - really kind and inspirational. I wish I worked with her all the time. After that I went into the office for a couple of hours to catch up on emails and paperwork, before driving to Belfast to take a reading group.
At the moment I travel to Belfast every Monday to work. I oversee a community based literature project. It's lovely - actually, properly, really one of the most gorgeous projects I've ever worked on and I've worked on a LOT of community arts projects. To be honest this is probably the first one I've really believed in - like seen the immediate and substantive benefits to people. I'm just back from my Belfast run and having a cup of green tea before I get stuck into doing some preparation work and some paperwork I need to catch up on. I was off for a couple of days last week - I don't usually need to bring work home with me. They don't pay me enough to bring work home with me! But tonight I have stuff to do to get caught up.
After dinner I will watch some TV shows (Girls & Walking Dead) and then I will read until I feel tired enough to sleep. I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Angela Carter called 'Burning Your Boats'. I've been up since 7.45 so I'll be asleep before midnight. I sleep long and well and have vivid dreams which I will remember for roughly 4 minutes after I wake up and then forget totally and irrevocably unless I write the interesting bits down. Tomorrow I will get up around 7.30am (I'm trying for 15 mins earlier each day in preparation for the clocks going back at the end of the week, so it's not such a shock) and take my dogs for a walk. No running tomorrow - I only run every other day or I end up wrecking my knees and ankles. On non-run days I still get up and take the dogs out. Even on weekends - I try to keep my sleeping pattern consistent. Jesus I'm dull, aren't I? At least I'm writing!
So my job. Is that dull? Probably. As jobs go I'm pretty lucky in some ways. What I actually DO is enjoyable and it can be really very rewarding. Is it meaningful and fulfilling? The job itself has the potential to be. What makes me wonder if I need to cut my losses and move on are the people I work for. Sometimes it can feel like they look at it as a total numbers game. Once - just once, I'd like to have the time and space and support to do something properly. To do something REALLY WELL. To stand back and look at something I helped to create and be straight up proud that it's quality.
Instead of feeling a bit bummed that it had the potential to be so much better and that it's just adequate or okay. I'm sick of being happy with adequate. I want to be part of something AMAZING. Maybe I have just been there too long and am too cynical. I'm sick of being cynical and too cool for school and second guessing people's motivations. I want to be passionate about something. Embarrassingly, stupidly passionate and not have to settle for something that gets me another 3 years on my contract. Maybe it doesn't matter what the ethos or motivations of your superiors are as long as the work is worthwhile? Maybe my diamond shoes are too tight.
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