I will be 36 this year. On 26th September 2014 I officially become 'nearly 40'. I think I'm supposed to be freaking out more about this fact - given I'm single, childless, renting and living with a friend and (to add insult to injury) don't even have the excuse of a great career to explain my total lack of any kind of life. I've accomplished exactly nada in terms of my 'career' goals when I was younger. Oh so many red flags. Circumstances abound that would have just been unthinkable in my parents' day and would have made me an object of either pity or derision (maybe both). Actually I probably am still an object of pity and derision - just less of an anomaly in 2014...
That said - at my age my mother had 5 kids and a mortgage, but also: money problems, anxiety issues and all the shitty baggage that comes from behaving like a responsible adult. To be honest I'm delighted to have dodged that bullet. I do need to get my finger out and figure out what's what though. I've spent the last 4 years in a kind of fog getting over a pretty shitty relationship (who hasn't been there?) and the 6 before that deep in the throes of said shitty relationship. I'm feeling a bit more like myself this past year. It's nice. What's less fun is how much its like coming out of a coma and realising that you have wasted 10 years of your finite time on earth and thinking about all the catching up you have to do to get to the stage you're supposed to be at. So mentally I'm only 26 this year. Who am I kidding? Ha! I'm OLD.
So anyway - 36. I'm doing alright in the grand scheme of things really. I don't hate my job entirely. I do interesting things and I'm not in the office too often. I have friends, family, plenty of people who care about me. If I was really desperate for a romantic relationship I could have one. I get offers. Luckily my maternal instincts are just about non-existent so I'll not be reduced to settling for someone because I need to have kids NOW and he seems like he'd be a good Dad. I've had a pretty full four years since my last relationship - learned some stuff about myself. One of those things I've learned is I subconsciously have no interest in a lasting relationship - otherwise I wouldn't exclusively be attracted to people who aren't interested in me. That's said with both humour and truth. I got issues, man.
That's my long-winded way of trying to convince you I'm not devastated that I'm mid 30s and single. I'm genuinely not. Though I get that that seems difficult to believe for some. I'm not saying I never want to be in a relationship, or that I'm judging your choices or whatever. I'm not saying ALL relationships are shitty and being single is ALWAYS BETTER. I'm just saying I've been in that shitty relationship and I've been single - and being single is infinitely more fun. That's all. So this blog isn't going to be about my search for love or any bullshit like that. There are other, more pressing concerns that worry me. This blog is going to be about those. Not that anyone but me is going to read it. But I'm going to try to write it - from a place of truth and honesty - to figure out what I want.
I'm not unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time - I was unhappy for so long that it felt like unhappy was my normal, default state. But I'm not unhappy anymore. I've been gradually realising that I'm okay. I'm content. What's weird is that when I was unhappy I didn't want to strive for anything more. I just bounced around in a little bubble of misery hoping not to make things any worse. Now I'm content, feeling okay - I think maybe I could do better. Not happiness. I'm not shooting for anything as transient or tenuous as happiness. But I think I might be capable of feeling fulfilled. Feeling like I was doing something with my life that is meaningful. That's not so much to ask, is it?
And hey - maybe that thing that gives me direction and purpose will be love? But I'll be pretty pissed off if it is.
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