Found out today that last year's funding for my project runs out next week and the decision on next year's funding won't happen until start of June. Which means my contract officially ends next week and I'll be on a rolling 'month by month' contract until June. Then I'll either be rehired or unemployed - depending on whether we get all the money we need.
I found it difficult to stifle a yawn on learning this news. I'll be okay - no matter what happens. I wouldn't have been so sanguine a few months ago, but I'm creeping up slowly on being debt free. I took out a big bank loan a few years ago which I'll be making a final payment on TOMORROW. Woohoo! It's an amazing feeling. Once this is paid off I only have one BIG debt left - my car. And I've paid enough of that off that if it came to the worst I could sell it and clear the rest.
I've worked out that by November 2014 I should be basically debt free - or not a kick in the arse off it. That gives me so many options. So much FREEDOM. If I want to - I can sack my job and move in with my parents and do SFA. Obviously I'm not going to do that - that'd be mental - but I could if I wanted. No outgoings except rent and bills. Disposable income! Like - enough disposable income to go places and DO things! Enough disposable income to save for a few months and then take off for a year.
I'd go to Indonesia. In case you were wondering. I'd be a complete cliche. 2015 is going to be awesome.
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Monday, 24 March 2014
Work to live or live to work?
So how do I work this? As this is a public blog I suppose I'm going to make a stab at general anonymity for starters. Everything all vague and non-specific. Like - what do I do for a living? I work in a community Arts organisation. Which one? Not telling! People I mention will be identified by initials. Any good stories will be exaggerated and fictionalised for effect - just like they are in real life! (So much for coming from a place of truth, eh?) Obviously I'm not stupid enough to think that will stand up to even the most cursory attempt to uncover my identity. However I don't forsee my inane witterings here grabbing the kind of attention that leads to outings and stalkings and the like. Or actual readers even. But then that's not the point.
I like to write. Always have. I'd like to get some discipline at it though. I only seem to write when I'm miserable and then I can never bear to look at what I've written ever again as it just reminds me of my utter misery at the time. If I can train myself here to eventually write a minimum of 1000 words a day when I'm uninspired (uninspired = content) - even if they're total inane shit like this for the first year or two, I'll be stood in good stead for doing something creative when I'm ready for it. I've tried a few times and have bits of half finished nonsense cluttering hard drives and email accounts. But someday I'm going to get sick of my own procrastination and just write an actual novel. Someday.
Blog - I suppose you are now my diary. My 'morning pages'! I kept numerous attempts at diaries when I was younger. They all fell by the wayside eventually. Let's see if I'm any more successful at keeping this going. I might be. I'm getting better at sticking with things as I get older. I finally managed to quit cigarettes this year. December 10th 2013 since I smoked my last (sober) cigarette. (Drunk ones don't count because I don't drink that often anymore). I've been taking regular aerobic exercise since January and have stuck at that. It's not wildly impressive given I run a 15 minute mile and have never run for longer than 20 minutes without needing to stop and walk a bit. But we've all got to start somewhere!
What to write about though? Just write, the man says. What did I do today? Today I got up at 7.45 and went for a 30 minute run with my dogs. When I say 'run' you can assume a slow jog interspersed with walk breaks. Though I did okay today - 20 minutes straight without any walking. I then had a Skype call with my 'mentor' in England. I love that I have a mentor. She's wonderful - really kind and inspirational. I wish I worked with her all the time. After that I went into the office for a couple of hours to catch up on emails and paperwork, before driving to Belfast to take a reading group.
At the moment I travel to Belfast every Monday to work. I oversee a community based literature project. It's lovely - actually, properly, really one of the most gorgeous projects I've ever worked on and I've worked on a LOT of community arts projects. To be honest this is probably the first one I've really believed in - like seen the immediate and substantive benefits to people. I'm just back from my Belfast run and having a cup of green tea before I get stuck into doing some preparation work and some paperwork I need to catch up on. I was off for a couple of days last week - I don't usually need to bring work home with me. They don't pay me enough to bring work home with me! But tonight I have stuff to do to get caught up.
After dinner I will watch some TV shows (Girls & Walking Dead) and then I will read until I feel tired enough to sleep. I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Angela Carter called 'Burning Your Boats'. I've been up since 7.45 so I'll be asleep before midnight. I sleep long and well and have vivid dreams which I will remember for roughly 4 minutes after I wake up and then forget totally and irrevocably unless I write the interesting bits down. Tomorrow I will get up around 7.30am (I'm trying for 15 mins earlier each day in preparation for the clocks going back at the end of the week, so it's not such a shock) and take my dogs for a walk. No running tomorrow - I only run every other day or I end up wrecking my knees and ankles. On non-run days I still get up and take the dogs out. Even on weekends - I try to keep my sleeping pattern consistent. Jesus I'm dull, aren't I? At least I'm writing!
So my job. Is that dull? Probably. As jobs go I'm pretty lucky in some ways. What I actually DO is enjoyable and it can be really very rewarding. Is it meaningful and fulfilling? The job itself has the potential to be. What makes me wonder if I need to cut my losses and move on are the people I work for. Sometimes it can feel like they look at it as a total numbers game. Once - just once, I'd like to have the time and space and support to do something properly. To do something REALLY WELL. To stand back and look at something I helped to create and be straight up proud that it's quality.
Instead of feeling a bit bummed that it had the potential to be so much better and that it's just adequate or okay. I'm sick of being happy with adequate. I want to be part of something AMAZING. Maybe I have just been there too long and am too cynical. I'm sick of being cynical and too cool for school and second guessing people's motivations. I want to be passionate about something. Embarrassingly, stupidly passionate and not have to settle for something that gets me another 3 years on my contract. Maybe it doesn't matter what the ethos or motivations of your superiors are as long as the work is worthwhile? Maybe my diamond shoes are too tight.
I like to write. Always have. I'd like to get some discipline at it though. I only seem to write when I'm miserable and then I can never bear to look at what I've written ever again as it just reminds me of my utter misery at the time. If I can train myself here to eventually write a minimum of 1000 words a day when I'm uninspired (uninspired = content) - even if they're total inane shit like this for the first year or two, I'll be stood in good stead for doing something creative when I'm ready for it. I've tried a few times and have bits of half finished nonsense cluttering hard drives and email accounts. But someday I'm going to get sick of my own procrastination and just write an actual novel. Someday.
Blog - I suppose you are now my diary. My 'morning pages'! I kept numerous attempts at diaries when I was younger. They all fell by the wayside eventually. Let's see if I'm any more successful at keeping this going. I might be. I'm getting better at sticking with things as I get older. I finally managed to quit cigarettes this year. December 10th 2013 since I smoked my last (sober) cigarette. (Drunk ones don't count because I don't drink that often anymore). I've been taking regular aerobic exercise since January and have stuck at that. It's not wildly impressive given I run a 15 minute mile and have never run for longer than 20 minutes without needing to stop and walk a bit. But we've all got to start somewhere!
What to write about though? Just write, the man says. What did I do today? Today I got up at 7.45 and went for a 30 minute run with my dogs. When I say 'run' you can assume a slow jog interspersed with walk breaks. Though I did okay today - 20 minutes straight without any walking. I then had a Skype call with my 'mentor' in England. I love that I have a mentor. She's wonderful - really kind and inspirational. I wish I worked with her all the time. After that I went into the office for a couple of hours to catch up on emails and paperwork, before driving to Belfast to take a reading group.
At the moment I travel to Belfast every Monday to work. I oversee a community based literature project. It's lovely - actually, properly, really one of the most gorgeous projects I've ever worked on and I've worked on a LOT of community arts projects. To be honest this is probably the first one I've really believed in - like seen the immediate and substantive benefits to people. I'm just back from my Belfast run and having a cup of green tea before I get stuck into doing some preparation work and some paperwork I need to catch up on. I was off for a couple of days last week - I don't usually need to bring work home with me. They don't pay me enough to bring work home with me! But tonight I have stuff to do to get caught up.
After dinner I will watch some TV shows (Girls & Walking Dead) and then I will read until I feel tired enough to sleep. I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Angela Carter called 'Burning Your Boats'. I've been up since 7.45 so I'll be asleep before midnight. I sleep long and well and have vivid dreams which I will remember for roughly 4 minutes after I wake up and then forget totally and irrevocably unless I write the interesting bits down. Tomorrow I will get up around 7.30am (I'm trying for 15 mins earlier each day in preparation for the clocks going back at the end of the week, so it's not such a shock) and take my dogs for a walk. No running tomorrow - I only run every other day or I end up wrecking my knees and ankles. On non-run days I still get up and take the dogs out. Even on weekends - I try to keep my sleeping pattern consistent. Jesus I'm dull, aren't I? At least I'm writing!
So my job. Is that dull? Probably. As jobs go I'm pretty lucky in some ways. What I actually DO is enjoyable and it can be really very rewarding. Is it meaningful and fulfilling? The job itself has the potential to be. What makes me wonder if I need to cut my losses and move on are the people I work for. Sometimes it can feel like they look at it as a total numbers game. Once - just once, I'd like to have the time and space and support to do something properly. To do something REALLY WELL. To stand back and look at something I helped to create and be straight up proud that it's quality.
Instead of feeling a bit bummed that it had the potential to be so much better and that it's just adequate or okay. I'm sick of being happy with adequate. I want to be part of something AMAZING. Maybe I have just been there too long and am too cynical. I'm sick of being cynical and too cool for school and second guessing people's motivations. I want to be passionate about something. Embarrassingly, stupidly passionate and not have to settle for something that gets me another 3 years on my contract. Maybe it doesn't matter what the ethos or motivations of your superiors are as long as the work is worthwhile? Maybe my diamond shoes are too tight.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
This is not about a desperate search for love!
I will be 36 this year. On 26th September 2014 I officially become 'nearly 40'. I think I'm supposed to be freaking out more about this fact - given I'm single, childless, renting and living with a friend and (to add insult to injury) don't even have the excuse of a great career to explain my total lack of any kind of life. I've accomplished exactly nada in terms of my 'career' goals when I was younger. Oh so many red flags. Circumstances abound that would have just been unthinkable in my parents' day and would have made me an object of either pity or derision (maybe both). Actually I probably am still an object of pity and derision - just less of an anomaly in 2014...
That said - at my age my mother had 5 kids and a mortgage, but also: money problems, anxiety issues and all the shitty baggage that comes from behaving like a responsible adult. To be honest I'm delighted to have dodged that bullet. I do need to get my finger out and figure out what's what though. I've spent the last 4 years in a kind of fog getting over a pretty shitty relationship (who hasn't been there?) and the 6 before that deep in the throes of said shitty relationship. I'm feeling a bit more like myself this past year. It's nice. What's less fun is how much its like coming out of a coma and realising that you have wasted 10 years of your finite time on earth and thinking about all the catching up you have to do to get to the stage you're supposed to be at. So mentally I'm only 26 this year. Who am I kidding? Ha! I'm OLD.
So anyway - 36. I'm doing alright in the grand scheme of things really. I don't hate my job entirely. I do interesting things and I'm not in the office too often. I have friends, family, plenty of people who care about me. If I was really desperate for a romantic relationship I could have one. I get offers. Luckily my maternal instincts are just about non-existent so I'll not be reduced to settling for someone because I need to have kids NOW and he seems like he'd be a good Dad. I've had a pretty full four years since my last relationship - learned some stuff about myself. One of those things I've learned is I subconsciously have no interest in a lasting relationship - otherwise I wouldn't exclusively be attracted to people who aren't interested in me. That's said with both humour and truth. I got issues, man.
That's my long-winded way of trying to convince you I'm not devastated that I'm mid 30s and single. I'm genuinely not. Though I get that that seems difficult to believe for some. I'm not saying I never want to be in a relationship, or that I'm judging your choices or whatever. I'm not saying ALL relationships are shitty and being single is ALWAYS BETTER. I'm just saying I've been in that shitty relationship and I've been single - and being single is infinitely more fun. That's all. So this blog isn't going to be about my search for love or any bullshit like that. There are other, more pressing concerns that worry me. This blog is going to be about those. Not that anyone but me is going to read it. But I'm going to try to write it - from a place of truth and honesty - to figure out what I want.
I'm not unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time - I was unhappy for so long that it felt like unhappy was my normal, default state. But I'm not unhappy anymore. I've been gradually realising that I'm okay. I'm content. What's weird is that when I was unhappy I didn't want to strive for anything more. I just bounced around in a little bubble of misery hoping not to make things any worse. Now I'm content, feeling okay - I think maybe I could do better. Not happiness. I'm not shooting for anything as transient or tenuous as happiness. But I think I might be capable of feeling fulfilled. Feeling like I was doing something with my life that is meaningful. That's not so much to ask, is it?
And hey - maybe that thing that gives me direction and purpose will be love? But I'll be pretty pissed off if it is.
That said - at my age my mother had 5 kids and a mortgage, but also: money problems, anxiety issues and all the shitty baggage that comes from behaving like a responsible adult. To be honest I'm delighted to have dodged that bullet. I do need to get my finger out and figure out what's what though. I've spent the last 4 years in a kind of fog getting over a pretty shitty relationship (who hasn't been there?) and the 6 before that deep in the throes of said shitty relationship. I'm feeling a bit more like myself this past year. It's nice. What's less fun is how much its like coming out of a coma and realising that you have wasted 10 years of your finite time on earth and thinking about all the catching up you have to do to get to the stage you're supposed to be at. So mentally I'm only 26 this year. Who am I kidding? Ha! I'm OLD.
So anyway - 36. I'm doing alright in the grand scheme of things really. I don't hate my job entirely. I do interesting things and I'm not in the office too often. I have friends, family, plenty of people who care about me. If I was really desperate for a romantic relationship I could have one. I get offers. Luckily my maternal instincts are just about non-existent so I'll not be reduced to settling for someone because I need to have kids NOW and he seems like he'd be a good Dad. I've had a pretty full four years since my last relationship - learned some stuff about myself. One of those things I've learned is I subconsciously have no interest in a lasting relationship - otherwise I wouldn't exclusively be attracted to people who aren't interested in me. That's said with both humour and truth. I got issues, man.
That's my long-winded way of trying to convince you I'm not devastated that I'm mid 30s and single. I'm genuinely not. Though I get that that seems difficult to believe for some. I'm not saying I never want to be in a relationship, or that I'm judging your choices or whatever. I'm not saying ALL relationships are shitty and being single is ALWAYS BETTER. I'm just saying I've been in that shitty relationship and I've been single - and being single is infinitely more fun. That's all. So this blog isn't going to be about my search for love or any bullshit like that. There are other, more pressing concerns that worry me. This blog is going to be about those. Not that anyone but me is going to read it. But I'm going to try to write it - from a place of truth and honesty - to figure out what I want.
I'm not unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time - I was unhappy for so long that it felt like unhappy was my normal, default state. But I'm not unhappy anymore. I've been gradually realising that I'm okay. I'm content. What's weird is that when I was unhappy I didn't want to strive for anything more. I just bounced around in a little bubble of misery hoping not to make things any worse. Now I'm content, feeling okay - I think maybe I could do better. Not happiness. I'm not shooting for anything as transient or tenuous as happiness. But I think I might be capable of feeling fulfilled. Feeling like I was doing something with my life that is meaningful. That's not so much to ask, is it?
And hey - maybe that thing that gives me direction and purpose will be love? But I'll be pretty pissed off if it is.
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