So I've been trying to find new short stories for my longest running reading groups. When we started the project 10 months ago I was like: 'There are 6000 short stories and poems on this database! I'll never run out!' Unfortunately I appear to have used up all the really good ones already - and the longer running groups have gotten pretty discerning. So I've been buying, borrowing and begging short story collections and anthologies to try to bulk out the existing stock. At the minute I'm reading a collection by Jean Rhys. It's very odd. All the stories so far have been crazily short - like not even stories, more like descriptive vignettes or snapshots of a single moment in time. They're lovely, but I'm not sure what the POINT is? I don't think I could use any of the ones I've read so far in a group.
What's strange is that her short stories aren't at all how I imagined they'd be. I've only ever read one thing by her before, a novel called Wide Sargasso Sea - which is told from the point of view of Bertha Rochester (the madwoman in the attic from Jane Eyre) only she's not actually called Bertha - that's just the name Rochester gives her. It's a brilliant book. I haven't read it in years but I think I might have to go back to it and see if I'm remembering her writing wrongly or if the short stories are really as different as I imagine.
I'm also reading a collection by Angela Carter. Love Angela Carter, her short stories are EXACTLY how I imagined they'd be. Surreal and dirty and twisted and mad. I'm also reading Diana Wynne-Jones last book, the one her sister had to finish. I'm taking it really slowly, because I know that once this is done there will never be another one. That's a gut punch. No more DWJ books ever. Jesus. I'm also applying for jobs! Found three I might like and might even have a chance of getting... If that happens then all this short story searching will be a moot point. Fingers crossed!
Thursday, 3 April 2014
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Choppy waters.
Typical me! One week later I remember I started a blog! Ah well, my favourite blogger sometimes goes months without an update if she doesn't feel like it. If I average once a week I'll be delighted. Had a pretty busy one since last post - working at the weekend and working yesterday evening so they'd have been out anyway. Really I'm only a few days behind...
What to write? What to write? Well I DID finally pay off that big debt I was talking about. WUNDERBAR! Also got some extra cash in last paycheck because they had to pay me holiday pay because of end of contract - so I managed to clear some other niggly wee debts. This month (for the first time in forever) I might actually have money in my account when NEXT payday rolls around. How the other half live, eh? Haha! It's a nice feeling though. Have treated myself to some new books and some other wee cheap presents - running shorts etc. The joys of being able to buy more than basic groceries! Was even able to afford a night out and some concert tickets. I'm not hard to keep really.
Unfortunately, because of work, I missed the second class in my beekeeping course on Saturday - so I have to spend the coming weekend getting caught up with that. B. - the teacher - said he'd keep the notes for me. But I need to pass a practical exam on the stuff he's teaching at the end of next month, so I'll have to actually READ the notes. Like STUDY. Been a while since I had to do that. Lucky I'm a stew who loves that shit. The beekeeping is a weird one. I like the idea of it and all the beekeepers I've met so far have been totally my kind of people - lovely, friendly eccentrics who have no idea that they're odd. I'm not planning on buying a hive or any bees just yet though - that's a big commitment. Will see how I get on with the course first and will practice on the communal hives in Culturlann.
Got my hair chopped last week. It's pretty short. Who am I kidding - it's SHORT. Last time I went the hairdresser talked me out of going this drastic but I still kept obsessing over it. This time I just insisted and she didn't argue. She even got out the clippers! You know it's short when they get the clippers going. I like it but it's definitely that sort of short that the pool of guys who are likely to be attracted to me has shrunk by about 90%. I don't mind this at all - and I was reminded of WHY this doesn't bother me today as I left the prison after my Tuesday reading group. As I was walking out some teenage toerag shouted from a cellblock: 'Oy! Are you a wee boy or a wee girl?' and then pished himself laughing. Let's be honest - I am missing out on NOWT.
My reading group are older men - too elderly or too unwell to engage in the other programmes the prison runs - but they're all thinkers. About 50% have serious problems with literacy, but they are all intelligent men with life experiences and opinions and something interesting to add to the discussion. The younger guys - the ones who spend their prison sentence in the gym - they'd NEVER come to my group. Thank god. It takes some mad skillz to find a way to act like an entitled, chauvinist prick whilst locked up in PRISON. I ignored him, of course, but what makes some men think we even care what their opinion is? It's crazy. If my new hair means I'm less likely to get tackled by every drunken, chauvinist moron in the town on a weekend night, then bring it on, I say. I think it suits me. I'm not going to be troubling Vogue's door with any length of hair - at least this way I look sorta... gamine, I think. Note the troglodyte shouted 'wee girl or wee boy' - not man or woman. Ha!
What to write? What to write? Well I DID finally pay off that big debt I was talking about. WUNDERBAR! Also got some extra cash in last paycheck because they had to pay me holiday pay because of end of contract - so I managed to clear some other niggly wee debts. This month (for the first time in forever) I might actually have money in my account when NEXT payday rolls around. How the other half live, eh? Haha! It's a nice feeling though. Have treated myself to some new books and some other wee cheap presents - running shorts etc. The joys of being able to buy more than basic groceries! Was even able to afford a night out and some concert tickets. I'm not hard to keep really.
Unfortunately, because of work, I missed the second class in my beekeeping course on Saturday - so I have to spend the coming weekend getting caught up with that. B. - the teacher - said he'd keep the notes for me. But I need to pass a practical exam on the stuff he's teaching at the end of next month, so I'll have to actually READ the notes. Like STUDY. Been a while since I had to do that. Lucky I'm a stew who loves that shit. The beekeeping is a weird one. I like the idea of it and all the beekeepers I've met so far have been totally my kind of people - lovely, friendly eccentrics who have no idea that they're odd. I'm not planning on buying a hive or any bees just yet though - that's a big commitment. Will see how I get on with the course first and will practice on the communal hives in Culturlann.
Got my hair chopped last week. It's pretty short. Who am I kidding - it's SHORT. Last time I went the hairdresser talked me out of going this drastic but I still kept obsessing over it. This time I just insisted and she didn't argue. She even got out the clippers! You know it's short when they get the clippers going. I like it but it's definitely that sort of short that the pool of guys who are likely to be attracted to me has shrunk by about 90%. I don't mind this at all - and I was reminded of WHY this doesn't bother me today as I left the prison after my Tuesday reading group. As I was walking out some teenage toerag shouted from a cellblock: 'Oy! Are you a wee boy or a wee girl?' and then pished himself laughing. Let's be honest - I am missing out on NOWT.
My reading group are older men - too elderly or too unwell to engage in the other programmes the prison runs - but they're all thinkers. About 50% have serious problems with literacy, but they are all intelligent men with life experiences and opinions and something interesting to add to the discussion. The younger guys - the ones who spend their prison sentence in the gym - they'd NEVER come to my group. Thank god. It takes some mad skillz to find a way to act like an entitled, chauvinist prick whilst locked up in PRISON. I ignored him, of course, but what makes some men think we even care what their opinion is? It's crazy. If my new hair means I'm less likely to get tackled by every drunken, chauvinist moron in the town on a weekend night, then bring it on, I say. I think it suits me. I'm not going to be troubling Vogue's door with any length of hair - at least this way I look sorta... gamine, I think. Note the troglodyte shouted 'wee girl or wee boy' - not man or woman. Ha!
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Does my boss read my blog?
Found out today that last year's funding for my project runs out next week and the decision on next year's funding won't happen until start of June. Which means my contract officially ends next week and I'll be on a rolling 'month by month' contract until June. Then I'll either be rehired or unemployed - depending on whether we get all the money we need.
I found it difficult to stifle a yawn on learning this news. I'll be okay - no matter what happens. I wouldn't have been so sanguine a few months ago, but I'm creeping up slowly on being debt free. I took out a big bank loan a few years ago which I'll be making a final payment on TOMORROW. Woohoo! It's an amazing feeling. Once this is paid off I only have one BIG debt left - my car. And I've paid enough of that off that if it came to the worst I could sell it and clear the rest.
I've worked out that by November 2014 I should be basically debt free - or not a kick in the arse off it. That gives me so many options. So much FREEDOM. If I want to - I can sack my job and move in with my parents and do SFA. Obviously I'm not going to do that - that'd be mental - but I could if I wanted. No outgoings except rent and bills. Disposable income! Like - enough disposable income to go places and DO things! Enough disposable income to save for a few months and then take off for a year.
I'd go to Indonesia. In case you were wondering. I'd be a complete cliche. 2015 is going to be awesome.
I found it difficult to stifle a yawn on learning this news. I'll be okay - no matter what happens. I wouldn't have been so sanguine a few months ago, but I'm creeping up slowly on being debt free. I took out a big bank loan a few years ago which I'll be making a final payment on TOMORROW. Woohoo! It's an amazing feeling. Once this is paid off I only have one BIG debt left - my car. And I've paid enough of that off that if it came to the worst I could sell it and clear the rest.
I've worked out that by November 2014 I should be basically debt free - or not a kick in the arse off it. That gives me so many options. So much FREEDOM. If I want to - I can sack my job and move in with my parents and do SFA. Obviously I'm not going to do that - that'd be mental - but I could if I wanted. No outgoings except rent and bills. Disposable income! Like - enough disposable income to go places and DO things! Enough disposable income to save for a few months and then take off for a year.
I'd go to Indonesia. In case you were wondering. I'd be a complete cliche. 2015 is going to be awesome.
Monday, 24 March 2014
Work to live or live to work?
So how do I work this? As this is a public blog I suppose I'm going to make a stab at general anonymity for starters. Everything all vague and non-specific. Like - what do I do for a living? I work in a community Arts organisation. Which one? Not telling! People I mention will be identified by initials. Any good stories will be exaggerated and fictionalised for effect - just like they are in real life! (So much for coming from a place of truth, eh?) Obviously I'm not stupid enough to think that will stand up to even the most cursory attempt to uncover my identity. However I don't forsee my inane witterings here grabbing the kind of attention that leads to outings and stalkings and the like. Or actual readers even. But then that's not the point.
I like to write. Always have. I'd like to get some discipline at it though. I only seem to write when I'm miserable and then I can never bear to look at what I've written ever again as it just reminds me of my utter misery at the time. If I can train myself here to eventually write a minimum of 1000 words a day when I'm uninspired (uninspired = content) - even if they're total inane shit like this for the first year or two, I'll be stood in good stead for doing something creative when I'm ready for it. I've tried a few times and have bits of half finished nonsense cluttering hard drives and email accounts. But someday I'm going to get sick of my own procrastination and just write an actual novel. Someday.
Blog - I suppose you are now my diary. My 'morning pages'! I kept numerous attempts at diaries when I was younger. They all fell by the wayside eventually. Let's see if I'm any more successful at keeping this going. I might be. I'm getting better at sticking with things as I get older. I finally managed to quit cigarettes this year. December 10th 2013 since I smoked my last (sober) cigarette. (Drunk ones don't count because I don't drink that often anymore). I've been taking regular aerobic exercise since January and have stuck at that. It's not wildly impressive given I run a 15 minute mile and have never run for longer than 20 minutes without needing to stop and walk a bit. But we've all got to start somewhere!
What to write about though? Just write, the man says. What did I do today? Today I got up at 7.45 and went for a 30 minute run with my dogs. When I say 'run' you can assume a slow jog interspersed with walk breaks. Though I did okay today - 20 minutes straight without any walking. I then had a Skype call with my 'mentor' in England. I love that I have a mentor. She's wonderful - really kind and inspirational. I wish I worked with her all the time. After that I went into the office for a couple of hours to catch up on emails and paperwork, before driving to Belfast to take a reading group.
At the moment I travel to Belfast every Monday to work. I oversee a community based literature project. It's lovely - actually, properly, really one of the most gorgeous projects I've ever worked on and I've worked on a LOT of community arts projects. To be honest this is probably the first one I've really believed in - like seen the immediate and substantive benefits to people. I'm just back from my Belfast run and having a cup of green tea before I get stuck into doing some preparation work and some paperwork I need to catch up on. I was off for a couple of days last week - I don't usually need to bring work home with me. They don't pay me enough to bring work home with me! But tonight I have stuff to do to get caught up.
After dinner I will watch some TV shows (Girls & Walking Dead) and then I will read until I feel tired enough to sleep. I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Angela Carter called 'Burning Your Boats'. I've been up since 7.45 so I'll be asleep before midnight. I sleep long and well and have vivid dreams which I will remember for roughly 4 minutes after I wake up and then forget totally and irrevocably unless I write the interesting bits down. Tomorrow I will get up around 7.30am (I'm trying for 15 mins earlier each day in preparation for the clocks going back at the end of the week, so it's not such a shock) and take my dogs for a walk. No running tomorrow - I only run every other day or I end up wrecking my knees and ankles. On non-run days I still get up and take the dogs out. Even on weekends - I try to keep my sleeping pattern consistent. Jesus I'm dull, aren't I? At least I'm writing!
So my job. Is that dull? Probably. As jobs go I'm pretty lucky in some ways. What I actually DO is enjoyable and it can be really very rewarding. Is it meaningful and fulfilling? The job itself has the potential to be. What makes me wonder if I need to cut my losses and move on are the people I work for. Sometimes it can feel like they look at it as a total numbers game. Once - just once, I'd like to have the time and space and support to do something properly. To do something REALLY WELL. To stand back and look at something I helped to create and be straight up proud that it's quality.
Instead of feeling a bit bummed that it had the potential to be so much better and that it's just adequate or okay. I'm sick of being happy with adequate. I want to be part of something AMAZING. Maybe I have just been there too long and am too cynical. I'm sick of being cynical and too cool for school and second guessing people's motivations. I want to be passionate about something. Embarrassingly, stupidly passionate and not have to settle for something that gets me another 3 years on my contract. Maybe it doesn't matter what the ethos or motivations of your superiors are as long as the work is worthwhile? Maybe my diamond shoes are too tight.
I like to write. Always have. I'd like to get some discipline at it though. I only seem to write when I'm miserable and then I can never bear to look at what I've written ever again as it just reminds me of my utter misery at the time. If I can train myself here to eventually write a minimum of 1000 words a day when I'm uninspired (uninspired = content) - even if they're total inane shit like this for the first year or two, I'll be stood in good stead for doing something creative when I'm ready for it. I've tried a few times and have bits of half finished nonsense cluttering hard drives and email accounts. But someday I'm going to get sick of my own procrastination and just write an actual novel. Someday.
Blog - I suppose you are now my diary. My 'morning pages'! I kept numerous attempts at diaries when I was younger. They all fell by the wayside eventually. Let's see if I'm any more successful at keeping this going. I might be. I'm getting better at sticking with things as I get older. I finally managed to quit cigarettes this year. December 10th 2013 since I smoked my last (sober) cigarette. (Drunk ones don't count because I don't drink that often anymore). I've been taking regular aerobic exercise since January and have stuck at that. It's not wildly impressive given I run a 15 minute mile and have never run for longer than 20 minutes without needing to stop and walk a bit. But we've all got to start somewhere!
What to write about though? Just write, the man says. What did I do today? Today I got up at 7.45 and went for a 30 minute run with my dogs. When I say 'run' you can assume a slow jog interspersed with walk breaks. Though I did okay today - 20 minutes straight without any walking. I then had a Skype call with my 'mentor' in England. I love that I have a mentor. She's wonderful - really kind and inspirational. I wish I worked with her all the time. After that I went into the office for a couple of hours to catch up on emails and paperwork, before driving to Belfast to take a reading group.
At the moment I travel to Belfast every Monday to work. I oversee a community based literature project. It's lovely - actually, properly, really one of the most gorgeous projects I've ever worked on and I've worked on a LOT of community arts projects. To be honest this is probably the first one I've really believed in - like seen the immediate and substantive benefits to people. I'm just back from my Belfast run and having a cup of green tea before I get stuck into doing some preparation work and some paperwork I need to catch up on. I was off for a couple of days last week - I don't usually need to bring work home with me. They don't pay me enough to bring work home with me! But tonight I have stuff to do to get caught up.
After dinner I will watch some TV shows (Girls & Walking Dead) and then I will read until I feel tired enough to sleep. I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Angela Carter called 'Burning Your Boats'. I've been up since 7.45 so I'll be asleep before midnight. I sleep long and well and have vivid dreams which I will remember for roughly 4 minutes after I wake up and then forget totally and irrevocably unless I write the interesting bits down. Tomorrow I will get up around 7.30am (I'm trying for 15 mins earlier each day in preparation for the clocks going back at the end of the week, so it's not such a shock) and take my dogs for a walk. No running tomorrow - I only run every other day or I end up wrecking my knees and ankles. On non-run days I still get up and take the dogs out. Even on weekends - I try to keep my sleeping pattern consistent. Jesus I'm dull, aren't I? At least I'm writing!
So my job. Is that dull? Probably. As jobs go I'm pretty lucky in some ways. What I actually DO is enjoyable and it can be really very rewarding. Is it meaningful and fulfilling? The job itself has the potential to be. What makes me wonder if I need to cut my losses and move on are the people I work for. Sometimes it can feel like they look at it as a total numbers game. Once - just once, I'd like to have the time and space and support to do something properly. To do something REALLY WELL. To stand back and look at something I helped to create and be straight up proud that it's quality.
Instead of feeling a bit bummed that it had the potential to be so much better and that it's just adequate or okay. I'm sick of being happy with adequate. I want to be part of something AMAZING. Maybe I have just been there too long and am too cynical. I'm sick of being cynical and too cool for school and second guessing people's motivations. I want to be passionate about something. Embarrassingly, stupidly passionate and not have to settle for something that gets me another 3 years on my contract. Maybe it doesn't matter what the ethos or motivations of your superiors are as long as the work is worthwhile? Maybe my diamond shoes are too tight.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
This is not about a desperate search for love!
I will be 36 this year. On 26th September 2014 I officially become 'nearly 40'. I think I'm supposed to be freaking out more about this fact - given I'm single, childless, renting and living with a friend and (to add insult to injury) don't even have the excuse of a great career to explain my total lack of any kind of life. I've accomplished exactly nada in terms of my 'career' goals when I was younger. Oh so many red flags. Circumstances abound that would have just been unthinkable in my parents' day and would have made me an object of either pity or derision (maybe both). Actually I probably am still an object of pity and derision - just less of an anomaly in 2014...
That said - at my age my mother had 5 kids and a mortgage, but also: money problems, anxiety issues and all the shitty baggage that comes from behaving like a responsible adult. To be honest I'm delighted to have dodged that bullet. I do need to get my finger out and figure out what's what though. I've spent the last 4 years in a kind of fog getting over a pretty shitty relationship (who hasn't been there?) and the 6 before that deep in the throes of said shitty relationship. I'm feeling a bit more like myself this past year. It's nice. What's less fun is how much its like coming out of a coma and realising that you have wasted 10 years of your finite time on earth and thinking about all the catching up you have to do to get to the stage you're supposed to be at. So mentally I'm only 26 this year. Who am I kidding? Ha! I'm OLD.
So anyway - 36. I'm doing alright in the grand scheme of things really. I don't hate my job entirely. I do interesting things and I'm not in the office too often. I have friends, family, plenty of people who care about me. If I was really desperate for a romantic relationship I could have one. I get offers. Luckily my maternal instincts are just about non-existent so I'll not be reduced to settling for someone because I need to have kids NOW and he seems like he'd be a good Dad. I've had a pretty full four years since my last relationship - learned some stuff about myself. One of those things I've learned is I subconsciously have no interest in a lasting relationship - otherwise I wouldn't exclusively be attracted to people who aren't interested in me. That's said with both humour and truth. I got issues, man.
That's my long-winded way of trying to convince you I'm not devastated that I'm mid 30s and single. I'm genuinely not. Though I get that that seems difficult to believe for some. I'm not saying I never want to be in a relationship, or that I'm judging your choices or whatever. I'm not saying ALL relationships are shitty and being single is ALWAYS BETTER. I'm just saying I've been in that shitty relationship and I've been single - and being single is infinitely more fun. That's all. So this blog isn't going to be about my search for love or any bullshit like that. There are other, more pressing concerns that worry me. This blog is going to be about those. Not that anyone but me is going to read it. But I'm going to try to write it - from a place of truth and honesty - to figure out what I want.
I'm not unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time - I was unhappy for so long that it felt like unhappy was my normal, default state. But I'm not unhappy anymore. I've been gradually realising that I'm okay. I'm content. What's weird is that when I was unhappy I didn't want to strive for anything more. I just bounced around in a little bubble of misery hoping not to make things any worse. Now I'm content, feeling okay - I think maybe I could do better. Not happiness. I'm not shooting for anything as transient or tenuous as happiness. But I think I might be capable of feeling fulfilled. Feeling like I was doing something with my life that is meaningful. That's not so much to ask, is it?
And hey - maybe that thing that gives me direction and purpose will be love? But I'll be pretty pissed off if it is.
That said - at my age my mother had 5 kids and a mortgage, but also: money problems, anxiety issues and all the shitty baggage that comes from behaving like a responsible adult. To be honest I'm delighted to have dodged that bullet. I do need to get my finger out and figure out what's what though. I've spent the last 4 years in a kind of fog getting over a pretty shitty relationship (who hasn't been there?) and the 6 before that deep in the throes of said shitty relationship. I'm feeling a bit more like myself this past year. It's nice. What's less fun is how much its like coming out of a coma and realising that you have wasted 10 years of your finite time on earth and thinking about all the catching up you have to do to get to the stage you're supposed to be at. So mentally I'm only 26 this year. Who am I kidding? Ha! I'm OLD.
So anyway - 36. I'm doing alright in the grand scheme of things really. I don't hate my job entirely. I do interesting things and I'm not in the office too often. I have friends, family, plenty of people who care about me. If I was really desperate for a romantic relationship I could have one. I get offers. Luckily my maternal instincts are just about non-existent so I'll not be reduced to settling for someone because I need to have kids NOW and he seems like he'd be a good Dad. I've had a pretty full four years since my last relationship - learned some stuff about myself. One of those things I've learned is I subconsciously have no interest in a lasting relationship - otherwise I wouldn't exclusively be attracted to people who aren't interested in me. That's said with both humour and truth. I got issues, man.
That's my long-winded way of trying to convince you I'm not devastated that I'm mid 30s and single. I'm genuinely not. Though I get that that seems difficult to believe for some. I'm not saying I never want to be in a relationship, or that I'm judging your choices or whatever. I'm not saying ALL relationships are shitty and being single is ALWAYS BETTER. I'm just saying I've been in that shitty relationship and I've been single - and being single is infinitely more fun. That's all. So this blog isn't going to be about my search for love or any bullshit like that. There are other, more pressing concerns that worry me. This blog is going to be about those. Not that anyone but me is going to read it. But I'm going to try to write it - from a place of truth and honesty - to figure out what I want.
I'm not unhappy. I was unhappy for a very long time - I was unhappy for so long that it felt like unhappy was my normal, default state. But I'm not unhappy anymore. I've been gradually realising that I'm okay. I'm content. What's weird is that when I was unhappy I didn't want to strive for anything more. I just bounced around in a little bubble of misery hoping not to make things any worse. Now I'm content, feeling okay - I think maybe I could do better. Not happiness. I'm not shooting for anything as transient or tenuous as happiness. But I think I might be capable of feeling fulfilled. Feeling like I was doing something with my life that is meaningful. That's not so much to ask, is it?
And hey - maybe that thing that gives me direction and purpose will be love? But I'll be pretty pissed off if it is.
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